shelby_danvers | Damn Closet.

Not too long ago, I was making a attempt to organize the ginormous pile of books that has taken over half of my living room. During this exercise in futility, I came across quite a few books that I had forgotten I even owned. One of them was titled Outing Yourself - How to Come Out as Lesbian or Gay to Your Family, Friends, and Coworkers. Judging by the price tag - and the fact that it came from a bookstore long ago closed down - I must have bought it a few years ago.

Flipping through the book, it got me thinking. There was a time when I was an out lesbian. But it seems that in the past few years, I've shut myself back into the closet. I've lost contact with everyone who knew, and I haven't dared bring it up with my mother again. And I just lack the courage to reassert myself again. So, when a coworker talks about an attractive male singer/actor/what have you, I just play along. When someone asks if I have a boyfriend, I just shrug and say no. When guys flirt with me, I ignore it. Marching in last year's gay pride parade was about as close to "out" as I've gotten in recent memory.

And now I'm standing here, glaring at the back of this closet door and declaring that any day now, I'm going to throw open the door and proudly declare that I am a lesbian and damn proud of it.

And then the day goes by. And another. And another. And still, the real world believes me to be a nice little straight girl. I'm frustrated by my own cowardice.

It seems that finding this book was a sign from above. It's time to sit down and get reacquainted with this neglected side of me.