shelby_danvers | In Which I Brood.

Today's blog is inspired by the daily prompt on the NaBloPoMo website:

What's one thing that scares you right now, and why should you make a real effort to face that fear and do it anyway?

I've blogged about this already, but since the prompt is there...

Coming out of the closet again scares me right now. There's no end to the horrible situations I can imagine. Nothing drastic, like losing my home or job, or physical violence. But I'm already ridiculously sensitive to what people think of me. Oh, I pretend to not care, but if someone doesn't say 'hi' or gives me a funny look, I'm instantly wondering what I've done to make them angry at me. And suddenly coming out when everyone currently in my life believes me to be straight? Yeah, that'll do wonders. I'll be thinking that people are out to get me for sure.

Why do I need to face it? Because...well, why don't I? I feel like I'm hiding something, and I feel dishonest for it. I feel like crap when someone makes a gay joke at work and I don't speak up. I feel like crap when someone insults gay people and I don't speak up. I feel like crap when someone asks me why I don't have a boyfriend and all I can do is shrug and mutter. I just want to get this burden off my back, because if I don't, I'm going to explode and end up doing it the wrong way, as I did the first time.

I could write a book on how not to come out of the closet. Seriously. And I'm still doing it. I have family members on my Facebook that I haven't seen for years, and what do I do? I go off "liking" gay pride groups and anti-homophobia pages. It's like I lack the courage to sit down and say it, so I'm trying to provoke everyone else into asking.

I feel like this is happening for the first time, because I so royally screwed it up on the first go-round. I shouldn't be so nervous. I shouldn't be so scared. Yet I am. It's a frustrating thing.

I just have to believe that everything will work out in the end, I suppose.